This is the third in a series of three blogs I've written about setting positive limits in the classroom.
Have you ever felt upset because you couldn’t say “no” to a student’s request for help with their English outside the classroom?
That’s a very common scenario in adult, Business and ESP classes, so what should we do?
You’re fond of your students and you want to give them a hand with their abstracts and business correspondence. It’s just that you’ve started to feel they take your help for granted.
Do they know you have a house, a family, free-time activities and other classes to plan for besides their class?
You always experience sheer joy when you can provide students with extra help. But what about those who rely heavily on your help after class?
I always try to build rapport with my learners and there’s always a lingering feeling of tolerance, cooperation and trust in my classes. As a result, students know they can rely on me to help them with their English at work. That’s fine with me.
What I’ve started to question is the recurrent S.O.S signals some of my students usually send to me.Some time ago, I discovered I was feeling angry at myself because I had to run some errands, do the cooking, go to my dance lessons, plan my classes and I just couldn’t because I was stuck in my study trying to figure out an extremely technical paper a student had asked me to check.
I was highly aware of the fact that I was responsible for doing something I didn’t want to do just because I couldn’t draw the line between my private life and my work. I had a pile of tasks to carry out and I knew I was going to miss my treasured hobby. Yet, I found it easier to bellyache at home than face the possibility of being misjudged by my student.
Having to say “no” to a student that we like at the expense of being misunderstood is challenging. “More often than not we allow other people’s expectations to determine what we should do … If we have frequently adapted to what the rest expects from us, we won’t know what we want” (Anselm Grün, Healing Limits)
Drawing clear boundaries is absolutely necessary. Some of us, however, find it difficult to put the concept to the test.How can we be assertive and polite at the same time? How can we make it clear to students we want to help (at least most of the time) but we aren’t available 100% of the time ?
Who knows? We can try to have an adult talk with our students and let them know we have allocated some free time (days and hours) for that type of extra help. We may even want to charge that work depending on the time invested in it.
Whatever we decide to do, it’s a good idea to have a good relationship with our learners “in need”. Feeling in peace with our decisions is the first step to make up our minds about what we want to do, if we want to do it, and when and to communicate our decision properly.
What do you think? Cheers!
Georgina
Georgina Hudson blogs by Georgina Hudson are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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Comments
Thank you for this thought provoking article.
I've been in a similar situation too. I find it quite simple to say "no, I can't help you now but I will on x day at x time".
Have you tried that? When our learners know they can count on us as long as we're free to do it, they feel more comfortable to ask for help.
If they know I'm free on Friday afternoons, for example, they feel at ease about asking for extra help then because I've told them at that time, I can help them.
Thank you Stuart.
You're absolutely right. Telling people when you're available and when you're not, should make them feel comfortable if they ask you for help in your available time slot.
I'll try it out!
Cheers!
Georgina
Dear Georgina,
Your situation is entirely different from mine.I work in a secondary school.Students some times depend on me when they participate in elocution and essay writing competitions in and outside the school.If time permits, I help them as it is a part of my duty.But you are totally different and needs to be complimented on your patience inspite of your hectic schedule.
yours lovingly,
JVL Narasimha Rao
India
Dearest Mr Rao,
you seem to be doing such a wonderful job helping your students in elocution and essay writing. In addition you take your time to assisst them in and out of school. That's great.
I feel helping the others is great, it makes us feel we're doing something greater than teaching. The issue I raised is connected to being capable of saying the right words to students when our private lives make it really difficult to help them a 100% of the time.
I'm trying to get away of multi-tasking day after day.
Your poems are so lovely, keep on publishing!
Yours lovingly,
Georgina
An Egyptian poet once said: " The teacher was on the verge of becoming a Messenger". So we, as "messengers", should... victimize ourselves for the sake of our learners / disciples.
An Arab Caliphe (Known for the English as Aaron the Upright, Aaron the Just, or Aaron the Rightly Guided) (17 March 763 – 24 March 809), the fifth and most famous Abbasid Caliph in Iraq (Follow this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harun_al-Rashid), was said to have got off his throne and sat on the ground near a very old person. When the audience asked him about this person he replied: " This is my teacher. I am a slave to he who taught me a sound." (He meant who taught him his first ABC.)
So, teaching is not an easy job that anyone could be a good teacher ( follow this link:
http://www.google.com/search?aq=f&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=a+good+teacher).
We, teachers, have an infinite and eternal treasure: THE PUPIL. (S)he is our "Capital". We have to develop that "Capital"; we might victimize our sparetime and efforts and to achieve what we aspire to;
So, Georgina, you should not say "No" to anyone who is asking for help even at the expense of your own time. Do not say "No" but you might start the help and delay it to the nearest time except in extreme cases such as that one you mentioned in your comment when you wrote to me:" Thank you Ridha! It's just that I sometimes feel it's so difficult to tell them I can't because my baby needs this or that, etc., ". In other cases you should not as I replied you: "Neither God nor History will forget that for us!"
Saying "No" to anyone has always been my problem. Not only to students but friends and relatives. I believe that it is important to learn to say "No" so as to preserve oneself. If we are not well, if our mind is elsewhere, if we are tired or just want to do something we have planned, we cannot be of any help or, at least, our help will not be enough. The suggestion Stuart made is excellent. It has worked for me.
Thank you Ridha. It's great to get such a thorough answer. Your reply's so well-crafted that it's an article in itself.
I've got a very strong vocation. I love teaching and I'm very fond of my students. I assisst them a lot and I challenge them to become free-thinkers.
When I said having to say "no" to students you're keen on but who rely heavily on your help in your time, I was talking figuratively. I was referring to ways to explain to our students that we aren't available a 100% of the time.
As you said "We, teachers, have an infinite and eternal treasure: THE PUPIL" To be honest, I'm the type of teacher who puts a lot into her classes.
The thing is my learners sometimes think I've got all the answers and I also suspect they feel I'm just a teacher. Teaching is my vocation and also a nice way to make ends meet.
My life centers around many people and activities. I've got a young baby, my family, my home, my hobbies, my inner need to plan classes appropriately, so I just can't help my students with their professional needs in English all the time. Multi-tasking is something I'm trying to do less and less in my life.
I think, like Stuart pointed out so clearly, that allocating some free time to offer one's help with our learners English outside the classroom is alright. In that way, they know when you're free to help them and they feel at ease with their inquiries.
Anyway, I'm so grateful you took your time to write your reply.
This healthy exchange of ideas is great! Cheers! Georgina
Thank you María Inés. I feel we're quite similar. Having to say "I'm not available now" is hard for me to put to the test. Like you said, it's hard for me to be honest about my real possibilities not only with students but also with friends and relatives.
I've always been a good girl. I was brought up to be a good citizen of the world. My parents inculcated the idea of assisting the other as much as I could. The idea of sacrificing for the sake of one's job, family, etc. was pretty much a core part of my education.
I don't like letting people down. At the same time, it's unfair for people to be told "yes, perfect, rely on my permanent help" when at home I feel upset or even angry at myself because I'm not in the mood or because I've got some errands to run or my baby to play with while I'm stuck indoors translating a business letter.
"I believe that it is important to learn to say "No" so as to preserve oneself". That's great.
Thank you María Inés! Georgina
Thank you Ms Hudson.
This is a very interesting question. It happens to me all the time.
My students usually ask me to help them with their English at work.
I always try to help. I make it clear that it's extra work and I charge that.
They know that if they want me to work extra hours for something which has no connection with our classes, I can help them in my own time and they pay my fee.
It's great really because if I accept the job, it's ok and I like it. My students feel good because it's a fair way to deal with this.
Regards,
Sabrina
Thank you Sabrina for such a sensible answer.
I love reading the comments on my blogs because I definitely learn a lot from them.
I like this agreement you have with your students that if you work in your own time, you charge for your work.
I guess helping with something simple at a time when I can do it is completely ok with me. When I have to spend a lot of energy and time on my students' SOS calls for help, I can start charging that work.
Many thanks again. Georgina